Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes — Context and Discussion

John had on some clothes of mine; I can almost see them shrinking, Washed repeatedly in brine.

I shall never cease regretting That I lent my hat to him, For I fear a thorough wetting Cannot well improve the brim.

Oh! to know a shark is browsing, Boldly, blandly on my boots! Coldly, cruelly carousing On the choicest of my suits!

Creatures I regard with loathing Who can calmly take their fill Of one's Jaeger underclothing:-- Down, my aching heart, be still!

OF Baby I was very fond, She'd won her father's heart; So, when she fell into the pond, It gave me quite a start.

LATE last night I slew my wife, Stretched her on the parquet flooring; I was loath to take her life, But I _had_ to stop her snoring.

ALL those who see my children say, "What sweet, what kind, what charming elves!" They are so thoughtful, too, for they Are _always_ thinking of themselves. It must be ages since I ceased To wonder which I liked the least.

Such is their generosity, That, when the roof began to fall, They would not share the risk with me, But said, "No, father, take it all!" Yet I should love them more, I know, If I did not dislike them so.

JOHN, who rode his Dunlop tire O'er the head of sweet Maria, When she writhed in frightful pain, Had to blow it out again.

Misfortunes Never Come Singly

MAKING toast at the fireside, Nurse fell in the grate and died; And, what makes it ten times worse, All the toast was burned _with_ nurse.

The Perils of Obesity

YESTERDAY my gun exploded When I thought it wasn't loaded; Near my wife I pressed the trigger, Chipped a fragment off her figure; 'Course I'm sorry, and all that, But she shouldn't be so fat.

BILLY, in one of his nice new sashes, Fell in the fire and was burnt to ashes; Now, although the room grows chilly, I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.

Jim; or, the Deferred Luncheon Party

WHEN the line he tried to cross, The express ran into Jim; Bitterly I mourn his loss-- I was to have lunched with him.

AUNTIE, did you feel no pain Falling from that apple tree? Will you do it, please, again? 'Cos my friend here didn't see.

BABY in the caldron fell,-- See the grief on Mother's brow; Mother loved her darling well,-- Darling's quite hard-boiled by now.

NURSE, who peppered baby's face (She mistook it for a muffin), Held her tongue and kept her place, "Laying low and sayin' nuffin'"; Mother, seeing baby blinded, Said, "Oh, nurse, how absent-minded!"

FATHER heard his Children scream, So he threw them in the stream, Saying, as he drowned the third, "Children should be seen, _not_ heard!"

YES, I am Bluebeard, and my name Is one that children cannot stand; Yet once I used to be so tame I'd eat out of a person's hand; So gentle was I wont to be A Curate might have played with me.

People accord me little praise, Yet I am not the least alarming; I can recall, in bygone days, A maid once said she thought me charming. She was my friend,--no more I vow,-- And--she's in an asylum now.

Girls used to clamour for my hand, Girls I refused in simple dozens; I said I'd be their brother, and They promised they would be my cousins. (One, I accepted,--more or less-- But I've forgotten her address.)

They worried me like anything By their proposals ev'ry day, Until at last I had to ring The bell, and have them cleared away; (I often pondered on the cost Of getting them completely lost.)

To share my somewhat lofty rank Was what they panted for, like mad; You see my balance at the bank Was not so small, and, I may add, A Castle, Gothic and immense, Is my Official Residence.

It overlooks a many a mile Of park, of gardens and domains; I'm staying now in lodgings, while They're doing up the--well--the drains,-- For they began to give offence At my Official Residence.

And, when I entertain at home, I hardly ever fail to please, The "upper tens" alone may come To join in my "recherche" teas; I am a King in ev'ry sense At my Official Residence.

My dances, on a parquet floor, My royal dinners, which consist Of fifteen courses, sometimes more, Are things that are not lightly missed; In fact I do not spare expense At my Official Residence.

My hospitality to those Whom I invite to come and stay Is famed; my wine like water flows, Exactly like, some people say, But this is mere impertinence At my Official Residence.